Saturday, February 03, 2007

January 27, 2007 ... Psych Ward

Keep in mind this was the second day I was in the hospital ... welcome to my world of depression. A misfortunate disease. Rest assured, these feelings have nearly disappeared with medication and a whole lot of therapy this week.
Again with the marker (We couldn't have pens or pencils for the risk of hurting ourselves) but at least this one works. It is a sharpie no less (I was getting a little high after a while). I've tried calling "everyone" that has a local number but I think they're all at the 11:00 meeting getting together afterward. I fucking hate that I can't have my cell phone (The camera phones aren't allowed because of confidentiality reasons.)
I feel like my life is in shambles once again. I don't feel like I have the strength to pull myself up, of course, that is why I have everyone I love and everyone in Al-Anon. I so badly want to be independent. I don't know another person to leave their addict on their own. Mom left because she had us and Rick, Mi***** left because she had Al*****, everyone else I talk to did it for their children. Sometimes I wish I had kids so that I had a reason to survive, a reason to get better, but doing this for myself is rough. I'm not sure I love or feel worthy of myself enough to do this. I am separating from J because of my logic, not because I want to. It is the right thing to do for both of us. I miss him so much aright now. In the past I had him and more of a drive to move on because WE needed to move on. I love him more than I could ever express. I want it all to go away so badly and then that is when I start trying to numb out - I start believing suicide is the solution to my life's misery. The times of misery compared to real joy tip the scale. This is no way to live but I'm afraid removing J. will not be the answer. I still have to grow into all these choices I've made. I try to pray but the words feel empty. I try to visualize another stage of life better than this but all I see are clouds waiting to pour rain on it all. Why can't I move past my past? Why cant I accept it and move on? I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable.
As I read this I realize that I am not powerless over my actions, my life. Powerless over others actions, yes. S. told me she wished she'd never been born ... it is me that should have never been born. It is me that should quit. On quarter or more of my life has been frequent bouts of absolute hell. HELL. She is such a gem, such a blessing to this world, I am nothing but a burden on myself and everyone else. I know they'd be sad but they'd get over it and in the end their lives would be better without one less complication ...

1 comment:

Rachael M. said...

I totally feel you.