Thursday, January 25, 2007

Where are the Storm Clouds?

It seemed so simple ... write a check, sign a paper ... walk away and let the process begin. I have been waiting for the thunder of remorse. I have not lost my conviction or clarity, but the unknown is a slow torture. I know that what I think I want is not what I will get, nor what I will need. I simply want a normal life, but normalcy is elusive and foreign.
I no longer know what I want. I have always known that I want J, but I'm not sure what I want from him or even if I should ask for his friendship in such a critical time. We both question whether this relationship is beyond repair. So, I sit in this bed and watch the evening pass away. I have made the decision to legally end my relationship and the rest is so fuzzy. Are we really going to stay true to our vows even after the legal marriage is dissolved? I'm afraid I have devised a plan to stay connected so that the eventual split will be a slow process so to delay the intensity which so often sends me to the place where I begin to plan my escape. I have made these choices. The choice to file for divorce. The choice to try to live on my own. The choice to move on. The choice to create a new life. The choice to reinvent myself. So, I must want to move on, but why is it tonight I stared at the orange bottle, spilling out the blue tablets, with tears caught in the lenses of my glasses wondering who would take Roxy and who would have to find me. Truly, how angry will M be? Won't she understand?
If one more person comments on my super human strength and resilience I am going to prove them wrong. What choice do I have? Really? I've tried taking my life so many times that I'm even a failure at that. But, I have made momentous changes. I separated and filed for divorce in the time span of two or three weeks and have yet to feel an ounce of remorse. I know this is right. I asked for clarity and I received it. I have goals and I know that I have a purpose in this life, but everyday is such a roller coaster that I'm not sure I can hold on at times.
From the choices I have made it seems I want to live. I want more from my life. It is funny ... an anomaly of sorts ... I acted in logic and thoughtfulness instead of emotion and trauma. The sudden shift makes me want to believe that there is something out there that cares. Maybe it is just my own evolution ... my own will power, but it rose so quickly, and I am so sure, I cannot believe that this is of my own doing ... it cannot be.
J and I met Tuesday and I can barely remember what I said. I knew I would fuck it up. His appearance was but a ghost of how I remember him. His hair was so short, his eyes sunken in so far, his shoulders so narrow. I tried to ease into the news, but before I knew it I slowly and softly spoke the words. He reacted just as I predicted - with restriction and the look he assumes when you know he is trying to wrestle whatever emotion is inside. It is always the emotion that I wonder ... is is joy? is it pain? is it hate? As the conversation progressed I explained my desire to stay within our vows, just live separate lives for a while until he can do the work he needs to do. As usual, this man and I were on the same page. He needs to disconnect from his mother and I. He needs to rebuild his life on his own without our help. That was one motivating factor for my initiation of the divorce ... maybe he would realize his need for maturity and take on his sobriety by himself. We left with hugs and a tender kiss on the lips and multiple "I love you" statements. Somehow, that didn't set me at ease. I am scared what he has thought the past couple of days.
My greatest fear is based in my selfish need for acceptance ... I do not want this to end at the blade of an axe. If it does end, I want it to end like a small leak - slow, but eventual.
I fantasize about the possibilities ... studying abroad. Meeting new people. Having a drink after work without the weight of guilt. When things were good with us they were great. An enviable relationship. His clothes are still in the closet. There are even a few dirty dishes in the sink from his short stay while I was on vacation (yes, I do the dishes that often).
Uncertainty can be the demise of a codependent ... yet it seems it is our life's mission to control it.

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