Thursday, January 18, 2007

I'm Everything But Sorry.

Anyone that read this blog before has probably given up by now. I didn't drop off of the face of the earth, rather I fell into the vacuum I allowed my life to become. So much has happened, yet it is the same story over and over again.
In summary, things have changed. I became jaded. I became calloused. I lost perspective.
So, I made a geographical change to see M. I found a cheap ticket two weeks ago and last Friday I was driving to the airport. My mission was clear: get out of my skin - completely. No one can distract me quite like M. The partying was great. It has been years since I've been able to take a drink and not feel guilty. I was able to act a fool and not give a damn ... really I was a totally different person. Once in a while I would worry the other people we were partying with were getting a view of me that I would eventually despise, but when it came down to it I needed to feel something other than exhausted - their opinion didn't matter. I don't regret anything, in fact, I'm glad I was able to let go for once in my adult life and just have a good time.
No one knew my story. No one cared. Yet, one of the most important people in my life was there whenever I had some random obsessive thought ... and then she handed me a drink (just kidding ... sort of).
I woke to a call from my land lord on Tuesday morning. J left rehab and continued his streak of destruction. A couple of hours full of phone calls, sporadic crying, and the familiar feeling of sickness and then it was somewhat resolved and I let it all fall away. I didn't obsess or ruin the remaining time. Weird. For once, I felt the elusive creature that is loving detachment. I was compassionate when his cries filled the speaker of my phone, but I left the pain when I ended the call. So this is freedom. For once in my fucking life I felt like some one's drug use wasn't ruling the speed and velocity of my roller coaster. This roller coaster is about to change.

1 comment:

the occasional cig... said...

dude, i'm totally still here...