Realizations

I look back on the previous posts and in my journal and wonder how this came so quickly. I question my disdain for J. Could it be real? Could I be so disgusted that I am actually repulsed? It was only a month ago that I thought I could salvage something, but then I remember the obvious, that it is over - it has been over for a long time. I knew that.
What scares me is the fact that I don't feel the love for him that would keep me attached. I had the foresight to know things fell apart, but I never expected to actually feel a different type of love for him. I care for the nostalgia we have together but the present is a feeling of sadness and weight.
I realize how much he was bringing me down. I realize that I am actually attracted to other men. I realize that I can be happy without him. I realize that I am happier without him.
I realize that though I never thought I could find someone that treated me as well as J did - I was wrong.

Moving From Under The Power Lines

There isn't much left anymore. Whatever valuables I left were stolen or traded. Whatever love I left didn't follow me. It is amazing how quickly we lost what we built over six years. It isn't all gone. We still have places to sit, blankets to curl up with, and one little tv to watch the news. I have left, though. Figuritively and literally.
I am changing so quickly. I feel invinsible at times - even prosperous. That is, until I am enticed into the crackerbox house and his world of insanity. I can't help but fall for my own trap, over and over again. I seem to think that I can save him if I'm a friend. However, he remains toxic. When he is messed up, I hate both of us.
I could not help but want to move on quickly ... to create a different life - to move from the toxicity to a life full of worth. I have finally been emancipated, now I am figuring out where I go from here.

Sunrise, Sunrise

This is what I saw when I first woke up this morning ... looks like something out of an Andrew Wyeth painting.

My Blog layout

I'm having a little issue with my blog header ... I'd really like the old one back, but I messed up the picture size on photobucket and can't figure out why it isn't being restored.
So, this is what it is for now. I'm still trying to figure out how to put my blog roll back on and just what the hell widgets are.

Heroine's of Our Day

“One of the things that I think characterizes my generation — that characterizes me, anyway, and others of my generation — is that I’ve always been surprised by how my life turned out,” Dr. Faust said in an interview Sunday at Loeb House just after the university announced that she would become its 28th president, effective July 1. “I’ve always done more than I ever thought I would. Becoming a professor — I never would have imagined that. Writing books — I never would have imagined that. Getting a Ph.D. — I’m not sure I would even have imagined that. I’ve lived my life a step at a time. Things sort of happened.”

Drew Gilpin Faust was just appointed Harvard president, the first woman president. Being raised by a feminist and along with my interest in gender studies I understood early about our androcentric society (though I must mention the recent shift in education).
After Lawrence Summer's comments it would seem to me that Harvard may be playing a catch up game, but that is my skepticism setting in and I would like to think this new role model has earned the job on merit alone.
I always imagined myself a career woman, having children late in life after I have a well established career and maybe having a husband - maybe not. Life didn't go that way, but now I'm seeing the possibilities in my life as a single woman. Though I may not necessarily agree with the politics of some of these women (Oh yeah, they're human too) such as Drew Gilpin Faust, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Madeline Albright, and Sandra Day O'Connor they are great examples of the result of the equal rights movements.
These publicly successful women are an inspiration to me and probably many other women. As a single woman I feel empowered to know how much things have changed for my sex. There is still improvement to be made, but the "first's" keep coming locally and globally (Nancy Pelosi, Michelle Bachelet).
It is amazing to me that now women are actually in the majority of college populations and yet there is still a glass ceiling, but improvement is being made and I can see my children living in a world with many female leaders.
Women and minorities must be represented in our government. If we will truly have a representative republic then shouldn't there be more women and minorities in congress? I'm not asking for affirmative action in congress ... I'm asking for people to be more accepting of candidates that aren't white and male.
Fight the man ... Support our Women.

Other Posts & Random Comments on Sex.

1. Carrots (you really have to look this one up while it is still posted - it is the 20th post card.)
2. I'm famous.
3. Why dating is going to suck.

By the way, did I say I'm getting divorced, I mean really, do I not drag on for what seems like hours on this shit. Sometimes I just think: get over this shit and move on. Hmmm ... how many one night stands could I have in a week? My numbers are quite low, so doesn't that give me room for "experimentation." I do love people ... yes, I said people, boys and girls. Got a problem with that? If they know where my clit is, why I say right on. Whoa, it seems the later it gets the more self disclosure begins. Oh, fuck off if you have a problem. Go read something else. Sex is sex ... it's all in good fun - romance or not. Don't get me wrong, it's great to share it with someone you love, but sometimes its great just to get laid. I mean am I right or what? Who cares what you think ... I'm right.

There was drunk dialing, now there is drunk blogging.

I am not drunk. I am tipsy. I had a few rum and cokes and danced my ass off tonight. I called J earlier in the evening to discuss the further divorce situation which resulted in a sudden feeling of hopelessness and despair. M was my savior and encouraged me to take another friend, K., up on an invitation out to the bar. It was a fabulous time! Now it is 1:30 a.m. and I'm happy as a clam.
This ability to go out and dance my ass off (which if anyone knows me, knows that I love to dance - sober or not) and have a few drinks without any guilt rocks! I got all gussied up and went to the bar and laughed, screamed conversations over music, and I even indulged in the dreaded "girl posse to the bathroom" ordeal. Columbia has passed an ordinance where there is no smoking in public places, which sucks for smokers but rocks for nonsmokers - a.k.a. me.
I could get used to this freedom ... even if I don't care to go out often, this is another reason why this separation and divorce is a positive move. Rum makes divorce look like a cake walk.

January 27, 2007 ... Psych Ward

Keep in mind this was the second day I was in the hospital ... welcome to my world of depression. A misfortunate disease. Rest assured, these feelings have nearly disappeared with medication and a whole lot of therapy this week.
Again with the marker (We couldn't have pens or pencils for the risk of hurting ourselves) but at least this one works. It is a sharpie no less (I was getting a little high after a while). I've tried calling "everyone" that has a local number but I think they're all at the 11:00 meeting getting together afterward. I fucking hate that I can't have my cell phone (The camera phones aren't allowed because of confidentiality reasons.)
I feel like my life is in shambles once again. I don't feel like I have the strength to pull myself up, of course, that is why I have everyone I love and everyone in Al-Anon. I so badly want to be independent. I don't know another person to leave their addict on their own. Mom left because she had us and Rick, Mi***** left because she had Al*****, everyone else I talk to did it for their children. Sometimes I wish I had kids so that I had a reason to survive, a reason to get better, but doing this for myself is rough. I'm not sure I love or feel worthy of myself enough to do this. I am separating from J because of my logic, not because I want to. It is the right thing to do for both of us. I miss him so much aright now. In the past I had him and more of a drive to move on because WE needed to move on. I love him more than I could ever express. I want it all to go away so badly and then that is when I start trying to numb out - I start believing suicide is the solution to my life's misery. The times of misery compared to real joy tip the scale. This is no way to live but I'm afraid removing J. will not be the answer. I still have to grow into all these choices I've made. I try to pray but the words feel empty. I try to visualize another stage of life better than this but all I see are clouds waiting to pour rain on it all. Why can't I move past my past? Why cant I accept it and move on? I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable.
As I read this I realize that I am not powerless over my actions, my life. Powerless over others actions, yes. S. told me she wished she'd never been born ... it is me that should have never been born. It is me that should quit. On quarter or more of my life has been frequent bouts of absolute hell. HELL. She is such a gem, such a blessing to this world, I am nothing but a burden on myself and everyone else. I know they'd be sad but they'd get over it and in the end their lives would be better without one less complication ...